My Forever

They tell you that sex is like eating sweets for the first time in your life; you’d like to taste every single piece before you decide which is your favorite. They tell you that you will, after a while, have enough of “tasting” everything that moves, find solace with one person and one person only. Then, you’ll be, finally, ready to be an emotionally-matured adult.

They tell you that you would feel it, you know, when you have enough and meet the one. That whatever higher power there is will send you a sign that “he is the one”. Let it be a sentence he says. Let it be him falling from the skies with white angel wings or that when he walks next to you, you’ll see neon light arrows pointing him out that says “this is him, you idiot! Come and get it!”

They tell you all this bullshit about what is meant to be, where life is heading and what love has to do with all these stuff.

Yet, let me ask you. If all is said and done; when you try everything and it falls down again and again; where do you go from there? Where will you get your silly quotations and pseudo-wise sayings from? Are they going to be useful anymore?

I have been, for ages, both sexually and emotionally active. I slept with over 500 people in my life. I slept with the younger and the older, the darker and the whiter, the smarter and the dumber. I slept with drama queens, with muscle monsters, with teenage boys and older guys. I fucked and I have been fucked. I sucked and I have been sucked. Most importantly, I kissed and I have been kissed.

I dated five people in my life: the first one walked away from me for a woman, the second one died, the third tried to turn me into a housewife, the fourth killed the joy of relationship with overthinking and the fifth stole my passport and blackmailed me with it.

I have been dating since I was 14. With a small math exercise you’d know that I have been on the scene for 13 years. Overall, I was in a monogamous relationship with one person or the other for eight of them in total.

My heart tried to accept all people I dated. I went out with flamboyant Syrian boys, with young Italian white dude, with a 36YO queen guys and manly looking boys.

However; I’m tired. I’m sick and tired. I’m over the edge and I have been staring into the abyss for way too long. I’m falling uncontrollably and I can’t hold my head high while doing it anymore. I see the ground; and it’s closing on me. I’ll hit it so hard I think I’ll find myself going through the earth core and jumping out of a volcano in China.

A decision has been made:

I’m not going to have sex or think of emotions ever again. When God, whom I believe in His mercy, sends me the man that I’m spending my life with He would indeed send me a sign.

I will not, and I repeat, will not kiss any other boys until I know in my heart that he is the man for me.
No more meaningless sex; no more insured relationships; no more fake dates. I will survive on my own. I will become the man I want to be.

My next sexual encounter will be with the man I’ll be with until the end of time.

My friends thinks I’m going crazy. I think I’m thinking logically for the first time of my life.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mike
    Jan 23, 2012 @ 16:42:23

    I completely agree with you! Stop working so damn hard!! Just let it happen. When you try and try and try and fail, then it’s time to put your time and energy into work or some other causes. If it happens, it happens. And it may not. Fuck it. Move on and do some good in the world and use that energy for good things.. Love you.

    Reply

  2. greekpyramid
    Jan 23, 2012 @ 22:05:18

    This post is so sweet, made me go kinda aww near the end. I respect taking such huge decision but in the end we’re all gonna fall into temptation, Don’t mean to burst your bubble, But let go and enjoy what you have, cause that godly sign may never come.
    you got a new follower now 🙂

    Reply

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