Emotional Prostitution

I met a boy and I like him. He likes me too. We like each other.
This seems like a simple matter, really. Two people meeting; talking; exchanging text messages/Facebook chats/phone calls/photos on emails/sexual encounters. It’s a simple story that might be too common for a blog post of its own. However, as you might expected, it’s not that simple.

He is the cute boy in a suit living in Lebanon where I can’t reach him. He is in the USA living with his partner. He is the slim boy with a sweet smile who still has feelings for his ex. He is my roommate’s love interest. He is the unreachable. The impossible. The one I know I can’t have.

I seem to have found my loophole between my emotional reluctant to fall in love again; and my natural need to occupy my heart with positive feels towards someone. I simply am practicing the most dangerous act of my life: I’m becoming an emotional prostitute.

Philip, the Lebanese guy in a suit, and I talk for hours everyday. Boy, do we flirt; do I feel safe and happy when I talk to him. The fact that he looks seriously and undoubtedly handsome in his pictures while wearing suits is an extra point to add to his long list of pros. Should I talk about how intelligent he is; how caring; how smartly he choose to speak when it’s the right time to; and to hold on to his thoughts when silence is the only answer to my thoughts.
He is positively a great guy that I’d ask out if I was in the right place at the right time; I’m falling for him. He knows it and I know it; however, where will that lead us? What abyss awaits us when we fall in love and find that we can’t handle being in a long distant relationship?

Also, why would I go on in talking to him if I know the impossibility of our situation? Other than practicing emotional prostitution where I’m blackmailing his heart with limits and promises. Birthday ideas; lovely songs that are only dedicated to him; stories of ex-lovers are exchanged between us about our childhood misfits and happy thoughts.

How dear can he be when I’m in my own world and he is in his? How long I can keep this going while keeping this fragile balance between the cute flirting and the acute heartbreak awaits at the corner! How would I continue doing so knowing that both my emotions and his are on the line? I honestly don’t know.

Alaa brings joy to my heart; he is this slim total geek serious nerd kind of a guy! His nerdy looks, his lovely smile and the long smart conversations that we have is bringing me closer to Alaa.
However, no Valentine day with Alaa; you see, his boyfriend is coming to town from Saudi Arabia. They consider each other the love of each other’s lives. He likes me, he sends me lovely text messages and sings for me loudly in my house in front of my friends.

Where do we go from there? What do we gain from this unusual friendship? We sit for hours talking, smiling, flirting and we kiss occasionally. We practice the usual games of dating knowing that a future is not in plan.

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We’re both practicing emotional prostitution. We are playing the dating cards to let go of the sorrows of our surroundings.
When a friend accused Alaa of being pro-government solely because Alaa is from a certain religious group; I had a fight with that friend; I felt like am defending my own honor; my own man; however, after I ended my fight with my friend. I asked myself; was I fighting for the sake of my own beliefs of freedoms or because I like Alaa. I was afraid of my answer.

Yesterday, I met someone on Twitter, Julian is an older cute gay guy with sweet smile and colored eyes. He lives so far away on the other side of the ocean. As we exchange funny tweets and emails, I ask myself; is he my new victim of emotional prostitution?

I brushed the question away and decided to write this blog post.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. angrybourgeois
    Feb 08, 2012 @ 15:55:20

    It has happened.

    I am positively addicted to your blog. In an emotional, serious, Freud-is-coming-by-to-check-on-me-way of addiction. ‘Nine bottles of alcohol’ brought me over the edge of what would have been the edge of crying, had I not conditioned myself unable to cry to the extent that I am afraid I will never learn it anymore.

    WTF? Do we have anything in common? Not really except for the obvious. I wonder what it is.

    I’ve never felt so perfectly close to someone so far away in an inaccessible place before – and yeah also in my part of the world there are people who get emotionally attached quite quickly. And of that club I am proud to hold a membership card. Proud ever since I subscribed to ‘Sama says’.

    Best

    Reply

    • SamaSays
      Feb 10, 2012 @ 17:47:51

      I have been thinking about this comment for the last three days. It scares me to know that I have been the cause of such a ripple effect with my writing. I can’t deny that I felt both flattered and happy to read it; but I got scared knowing that someone I don’t know is falling for me from afar.

      I apologize if I’m causing you any unintended harm and I would like to open a channel of conversation with you. 🙂

      Reply

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