Surrendering

I will hold you in my arms, and never let go. I surrender.
Celine Dion – I surrender

There is so much in life that I yet have to experience, yet your fire is burning still inside me.
I watch you roam around my home; you look glorious as I ever remember you. You’d play some of your rock music and air-guitar to it while you’re doing some cleaning up around the house. You look so busy with whatever you’re doing: full of energy and grace as you move around my mother’s house like you’re floating. You look like an angel who was bestowed upon me from high above. I smile as I lower my sunglasses (I was on the balcony reading a book) and examine your body with my eyes. I put my book on the side table and approach you; hold you from behind, print a kiss on your shoulder and whisper a soft “I love you” in your ears.

We are sitting on a table with over twenty people: we sit on opposite sides of the table; you’re busy telling a short hair girl something about your last photography project. I was busy with Sarah talking about the humidity in Lebanon. From across the table I look at your eyes; they are glassy and empty as you’re speaking. You look distant and unapproachable. The girl, I came to understand later, was flirting with you. All the girls wanted to flirt with you. However, you had this delightful way of changing the topic and turn it into a professional conversation about nonsense.
You feel my gaze towards you: you look up and my eyes meet yours: suddenly life returns to your eyes. They shine with love, hope, future, grey hair and two adopted children and a dog; holding hands when we’re in our late sixties and smile; watching a million sunrise and a million sunset together. I smile to you; you smile to me and we both return to our silly conversations.

Eyad, I surrender! I know I can’t survive another heartbreak looking for a love that feels like yours. I want to live again with you: you’re the only man who I ever knew what love really means with. I had a thousand dreams for us and now I can’t seem to accept the fact that you passed away eight years ago. I can’t believe that the night got longer after my mother: my only connection to all of your memories and the only person who truely knew what you mean to me, passed away as well.
Right here! Right now! I surrender all to you all over again! I surrender hope, love, future and grey hair. I surrender the million sunrise and the million sunset. There is so much life for me to live: and I will live it with the feeling within that I’m afraid all of the men I met (and will meet) after you; they will always know that I’m still in love with you.
I will live again with your love: and no one can take that away from me.
I surrender.

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