Born to Become ..

Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

Hall of Fame – The Script Feat. Will.I.Am 

I’m a true seeker; of what, I’m yet to know. Lost in this wonderland of Beirut, trying to gather the pieces of my own dreams again after what might have been the longest run in my life without a dream. I have been always searching for an independent, colorful path in my life; a story to be told through me. Sometimes I find it, others, I’m lost in the colors and the comfort of my existence, I let go of the fight for commonness; a home, a money-earning job, a dull easy life that I’d enjoy, but it will vanish one day; leaving no mark on the face of Earth as it disappears in the abyss of people’s minds; slowly, yet surely, I’d be forgotten, gone, my name, which I shared with seven grandfathers before me, will be given to someone else, and my grave will be reopened to welcome new comers as time welcomes its best friend and house cleaner, death, to the lives of the unaware people. 

Death has encountered me in many ways; left me wondering, who will remember me after I die, and I wanted to be remembered; not even in the same way I remember people I loved; I wanted to leave a mark big enough to change lives of those around me for ever; to have an impact on the world in ways no one ever before me did. 

This is a cheerful post, by the way, as death for me is not a sad end to my life, but rather a well-calculated result to the lifespan of average human beings with the outcome of the enigma of knowing that not even one percent of these people will have a bigger impact than being another face in the crowd. 

Being gay poses the question as well of family, which comes, naturally, with children, and being an Arab person living in Lebanon, without the privilege of a foreign passport, means that adopting is almost out of the question; I might, or rather I’d probably, become another childless old man, fighting with my partner in life about whose cane is that and if I remembered to pay the home nurse or not. So, the fantasy of becoming a grandfather one day, where I get all the fun with the children, while my children have to deal with their mess, is most probably calculated out of the math game that is my life.

Furthermore, I don’t want to be only remembered by my children for having children. I want to matter, to stand there and talk about my life and consider myself lucky I lived it. I want to become … 

… yet, still I’m not sure to become what exactly. 

I released couple of books before, short novellas and that like, in Egypt before, made a mediocre name for myself in the cultural scene there. I attended couple of workshops about sexuality in Turkey, and wanted to bring gay rights to Syria, which failed miserably, well, given the situation. I worked, for years, as a journalist, and reached as high as working for one of the biggest names in press worldwide. 

If no one challenged the status quota of their own existence  what is left of them anyways? The remaining of their human spirits, roaming around their skeletons as they decompose into nothingness? hovering around the souls of the living, screaming, hoping that someone would hear their ghostly voices. Yet, no one can; they did not make much in the world for the world itself to remember them. 

Image

She is up there, the eyes of the world on her. She paid sweat and blood to reach this height.

I was a fitness instructor, an actor in an independent movie, a singer in a choir, a movie critic, a gay-rights activist, a social media expert, and best and For most, I was a writer. 

Yet, I don’t feel complete yet, I don’t feel that I accomplished what I want to accomplish, which, as I stated before, is something that I’m  not even sure what it is. I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment, I am a wunderkind, I’m a pioneer naive enough to believe this, I am a prince in my way to my throne, destined to seek, destined to know. 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Prince Laila
    Feb 09, 2013 @ 10:50:39

    I believe, my dear friend, that you will leave a big mark in people’s life. Mostly, in my life.

    Reply

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